AshesOntheMoon

Pseudo socialism and orphaned works bill

2008-04-22T22:25:00.000-07:00

Welcome to America, a country it's getting harder and harder to stand behind. If it's hard to see why, just look at what a joke our political system has turned into. Some kinda hell on earth when the free-est country on earth can only manage to put a pseudo socialist (socialism run by rich special interests instead of everyman socialsim as the idea was originally intended) a racist with charisma, and a capitalist/war-monger/yes-man owned by special interests and fellow incumbent politicians. All three self serving, and none of the three holds any illusion of a promise of a better tommorow if you ask me.

Batten down the hatches and stay clear of the poop deck, cause from where I'm sitting it looks like things are going to get worse before better and I reckon the crap is going to get pretty deep.

Now let me get onto rant number one: Orphaned works bill, a bill which is going to make art abandoned as soon as it's created, the first thing the artist is going to have to do is shell out, to register to own their own artwork, and then hope that after he shells out to register, copyright, and protect his work, that no one beat him to it so it'll get contested, and also the worry of it being clearly recognizable as registered to him in this age of technology.

So people are now going to have to pay to own something that's already theirs, be it a photo of the grandkid's or a pulitzer prize winning work, if this bill get's through anything is game for the big boys to use without copyright infringement if the poor sod who created it can't afford to or simply doesn't know enough to protect his own creations. Yeah, this legislation is being pushed for by mega media congloms who no longer want to have to shell out royalties to the little guy.

The language tries to make this sound noble, everyone will be able to own every peice of art.....yada yada yada.....reckon this'll make the napster and kaza folks really happy though because no one will really own songs if they don't pay to register them. A lot of one hit wonder artists could get raped out of royalties and the artists already making big money with record labels will now have an excuse to charge even more if the bill passes, they'd be faced with paying to own their own stuff. A lot of lawyers are going to get rich and a lot of little fish in the pond are going to go belly up if this dynamite hits the water.

My question is, if we can be made to pay to own our own creations, what rights we will we be spending hard earned wages on next? The right to vote? It's near enough getting that bad on a national level, can't run for president without enough money to choke god to death. I really don't think being president should be about how much money you can get to back you. It should be about what you can get done for the people you serve, not about what laws you can get passed to make your constituents more beholden to you.

Now my next rant, I'm sure several folks will get the impression that I'm anti-war. I wouldn't go that far, but I can't stand a warmonger, and I'm extremely anti-useless death. We've got troops that can't even get home for a few months any more. They're tired, they miss their families and more than half the people they're fighting for don't even appreciate what it is they're doing.

I dunno about anyone else, but when I was growing up, I was expected to fight my own battles so that I'd respect everything I had, if I needed money I'd better cut lawns or baby sit. If I was having a hard time in school I'd better study more, and if I was getting picked on I was expected to take up for myself and not be a doormat. No one was going to just hand me anything.

That's why I joined the army when I got out of highschool. I regret it now only because I got hurt and the US govt isn't so great about how it treats the veterans it steps all over to get things done. I don't regret putting on the uniform, bearing arms, or following lawful orders so that we can all live in free country. I'm saddened to see the ideals and beliefs that I used to put that uniform on everyday for, falling by the wayside. I'm saddened even more by the average citizen's complete apathy to the things going on in our political arena, because playing video games and drinking eight dollar lattes is more important.

You'd think we'd be a whole lot more outraged about things, like border security, No I don't hate Mexicans, I just can't stand the idea that just about anyone can get into this country if they make their mind up. We probably have enough radical crazies living here native, let's not give a free pass to anymore.

You'd think we'd be more outraged about all the rights we gave up under the Patriot act, so that we could all feel safer. (I don't feel safer, I'm just a hell of a lot more cautious now)

You'd think we'd be outraged by sky rocketing gas prices, and petroleum companies making some of the highest recorded proffit margins in human history. Yet we're all still paying at the pump for all our bitching and moaning.

I love when I see comercials about fuel companies that care about the environement. If you really cared guys those record breaking proffits would be getting invested in a way to make us free of fossil fuel dependancy. Then you can sell us whatever the solution is instead.

I love all the politicians concearned about the national energy crisis. We need a nationalized mass transit system. If adminstrated and managed well it would serve people's needs generate proffits to pay for itself, and then there'd be a good damned reason for national ID cards, we'd need em to use the public transit, imagine if we could catch terrrists trying to sneak in on the national bus? Roadblocks and checkpoints would also be much easier to man with fewer individuals traveling in private vehicles outside commercial use.

For now I'm done. I'm sick, (seriously stomach virus) and tired. And I just know I don't even have the energy at the moment to rant about the national healthcare joke.

In closing I say this, You can consider this an orphaned work. Please, please!!! Steal this distribute it and get in front of everyone you can. I don't want anything except the satisfaction of freely distributing this knowledge.

It won't just be a US issue either, the UK is working on similar legislation, and I don't know about the rest of the EU. But if orphaned works passes it'll be legal for US corporations and individuals to use international works freely inside the US, and that's almost as bad as world wide any way.

Finally back

2008-04-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

after an insanely long hiatus. Lost house, went a year living in a spare bedroom and seperated from my husband, got a new place, computer died, finally got a new one and figured out how to make blogger and vista play nice.....obviously this is the abridged version! Weee!

went to the docs

2006-10-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

got my boy looked at. Rash seems to be a reaction to the new meds, but there are no accompanying ailments o fever so I'm just to monitor it for now and resume the boy's normal diet. The wee sprat is greatful, 24 hours without nursing made him terribly crabby. He'll follow up next week.

Now I can resume running around like a chicken with my head cut off over other affairs, like unpaid bills, trying to figure out daycare/school arrangements so I can go back to work. The Mr. is only putting in part time hours even though he'd long since supossed to have gone on fulltime.....I'll spare the rant on the whys and howfores of his logic.

More later. Tired and got the boy somewhat settled down, Lyss is playing qietly in her room, and so I'm going to attempt a nap now.

time time time slipping away

2006-10-25T04:57:00.000-07:00

lost four hours yesterday to the waiting room shuffle. Mom sat with me while we took Little Joe for his weight check. He still hasn't gained back the weight he lost following his birth and Monday he hit three weeks old. So the doctor order tests to look into reflux. The test results were possitive so now the poor boy is on medications and special formula. He was just on the formula initially, he didn't seem tokeep it down any better than the breast milk or the formula he was on initially though. (not that he was having massive problems keeping anything down, though he does spit up some every other meal.) The medicine seems to have cut down on any spit up at all but so far he only has one of his medication scripts filled. None of the local pharmacies had the second script to fill it,hopefully we can get it today and get up with the doctors office. Have totry to reschedule an appointment, report that the boy now seems to have a rash since starting the medication, and find out how long the poor thing will not be allowed breast milk. He really is rather crabby about being cut off from it.

The four hour wait yesterday was just at the lab. The docs office visit took less than a half an hour. I detest waiting especially when there are so many other things I simply have to get done. Though I am rather unhappy to have had my poor boy out in germ filled public for that long. He's so little I worry about his compromised immunity.

When Lyss was little we only took her out in public after she was three months and even those excursions were limited.

Yesterday's excitement was compounded by a glitch in payments resulting in the phone getting cut off and all communication with the doc's office having to be relayed by messages from Mom who left them her phone number as a point of contact. Today will now be spent getting in touch with the boy's doctors and makeing sure we didn't miss any messages from the folks handling Lyss's developemental assesments. Hope to have the full scoop on that as early as 11-2 but it may be as late as the 16th.

More when I know more.....

and on top of everything else

2006-10-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

I desperately need to prune and update on several topics here

Rant on Love

2006-10-21T04:50:00.000-07:00

Some times I struggle with words, making them fit the concepts I want to convey, this is one such instance, but to not try at all is still to fail....So here goes.

Be careful what you call love, for there are many kinds. All to often I see self love being touted off as love of another, but love of another should strive to be selfless even when it is not. Selfless love is a very hard thing to give from the frail human heart,(at least to another, but sometimes we give too much to ourselves) it's hard to get from a wounded spirit that needs just as much love back, so I understand the tricky nature of what I suggest. I ask only that we all try to tune into ourselves more, in order to lie less. It is important to understand also that not all deceptions are obvious even to the deceiver, nor are they aways intentional.( The devil's trickery at work, and yes the devil is real, if you doubt you make his struggle and that of all evil easier.) Knowing this myself I'm trying to point out we often deceive ourselves about our feelings with the best of intentions.

Please take time today to examine your love....What ever love you have in your life, be it self love, romantic love, love for a child. Let's take time to examine it and see the truth in it, we ordinarily might over look. What evil can lie in love you ask, what human emotion is more complex, do we every really see all it's facets, do we try?

When you love someone, do you love them to love them, nurture them and support them unconditionally, or do you love them to control them?

When you love someone do you love them because something about them is so dear to you, you cannot help yourself? Or do you love to be loved back?

When you love yourself, is it because you know you need self love to move forward on a spiritual or developmental level, or do you love yourself, purely so you can live with and over look your faults?

Do you love in order to protect and educate, or to have leverage to instill guilt and duty?

Be careful what you call love and how you love. Be careful what you call love, and most of all be careful how you allow yourself to define love and what you allow it to grow into over the test of time.

Love is not possession, love is freedom, when it becomes shackling and constrictive, and a burden, when you fear every misstep you may make could plunge you into loneliness and leave you in the cold, it is not love, but it isn't too late either. There is no place for fear in love, only trust.

This goes to the top because I need the reminder so badly too.

Peace. (9/21/05)

Do you dream

2006-10-07T05:09:00.000-07:00

Do you dream of disillusion,
Does the sadness make you wake,
Do the things seen all around you
only leave your heart to ache,
Does it seem you only struggle,
while everyone ignores,
all your human needs and frailties,
since their problems are not yours
Do you rouse from your sleeping
and shake your weary head,
After five hours of sleeping
you feel you got no rest,
Does your life come to plague you
each night while you're asleep,
As all your woes and troubles
invade your peaceful dreams,
Is your heart cold and heavy
as you try to pay your bills,
Do you feel like nothing matters
or that nothing ever will,
Well, do not lie there quietly
believing you are doomed
If you truly wish to change your fate
your faith must be in you
Ignore all your doubts
And all those that give you scorn
Wake up every day
Saying this will be my morning
Things will get better
if you have a little hope
You will find nothing changes
if you only sit and mope
If you feel overwhelmed
you must decide to take control
See the good all around you
chase the shadows from your soul
When all the little negatives seem to bring you down
You must remember
you have the power
make a smile from your frown
Do not stop fighting to better things
Do not surrender to despair
and once you find the place of peace
HELP someone else get there

back

2006-10-07T00:27:00.000-07:00

tired and not really up to posting at all but thought I'd put a link for a baby piccy!

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/40967331/

2006-10-01T10:40:00.000-07:00

surgery tomorrow so posts will slow to an even more meager crawl.

May dismantle this whole blog when I get back, for not only am I doing ver little with it, but it's not doing anything on it's own either.

Peace

an amazing story

2006-09-17T05:13:00.000-07:00

http://www.fireboat.org/

That Wasn't Thunder...

2006-09-14T00:36:00.000-07:00

http://www.ajc.com/news/content/shared-gen/ap/National/Florida_Earthquake.html?cxntnid=amn091106e

I was lying in bed when I felt this shaking, nothing terrible. The husband had gone fishing and I wasn't sure when he'd be home. No secret I'm due any time now from what my docs say, so I get tired pretty easy. Lyss had just decided on a nap and it sounded good to me So I took one as well. The shake like as not would never have gotten my notice If I were up and active. Laying there in the bed though it felt like someone sat down on the edge of the bed next to me. Only When I opened my eyes there was no one, not even one of my cats of enviable girth. The bed kept shaking and then Lyss started hollering.

By the time I got my waddling self out of the bed it had stopped.

Lyss has this strange habit of yelling at thunder, she thinks it will make it go away. It's sort of funny to watch a three year old holler gibberish at the heavens as if she can command the weather...heck maybe she can.....

She looked at me very confused by the whole thing and I simply told her that wasn't thunder. Then led her out to the kitchen for some hot cocoa, no idea why but it always mellows her out.

When the news later that evening confirmed the quake I was glad to know for sure where it had originated, but I was aware of what it was at the time, just not it's source. Funny the neighbors didn't believe me when they checked to see if I'd felt it too....they looked at me like I was just nuts for even suggesting a quake here. I've felt minor ones up in the mountains when I was younger, in addition to rockslides and such.....otherwise I reckon like the neighbors I wouldn't have known what it was.

I meant to comment on this much sooner but I've been busy with shaking myself out of a depressive funk and trying to implement plans instead of just planning them...

something rotten in Denmark?

2006-09-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14801666/

nifty

2006-09-09T23:00:00.000-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14748549?GT1=8506

Side Walk Miracle

2006-09-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

A dirty angel plucks at guitar strings
with slow and subtle deftness his fingers seduce a gentle song
breezes lovingly carry it down the street from his perch on the sidewalk
the whole day has slowed down just for him
pedestrians stop and listen for a time for each the moment of enlightenment passes
they move back into the normal pulse of their lives
not knowing what just happened, but I do
occaiasionally a car passes on a normally busy road
cars flit past with the quietest of hisses
drowned out by velvet guitar chords
soaking into heavy air to fall profoundly on mortal ears
unlike other vagrants nearby
the angel asks nothing and he gives fleeting peace with his song
gentle notes curl up into my feet, through my legs,
creeping slowly to limbs washing free pain and sadness
"God bless you and keep you"
the silent words in the angel's song unspoken but still there
notes tinkle like warm summer on a cold autumn day
impressing on me God's love..............

(Written quite some time ago but I've been dreadful about updating poems in my blogs)

2006-08-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

May be taking yet another new job in October. Don't have all the details yet but it sounds promising and pays more than what I'm doing now. It in part depends on juggling the new baby's childcare. Hoepfully I'll be able to get everything hashed out so I can go do this. Tired of being tired and broke.

Still tired

2006-08-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

Don't feel as crummy as I did but I do feel pretty worn out. Still trying to get things done around the house and get caught up on bills. Hopefully the new job the Mr. starts tommorow will help but I dunno if the landlord will be willing to wait an extra week and a half till checks are getting cut.

Meanwhile on the 16th Lyss goes for her developemental assesments and vision screening. There've been a few things going on with her for a while and the doctor is now in concordance that it may be more than just her being a little behind developementally. Meanwhile she's still mostly well behaved and physically healthy.

Have two days off in a row. So hopefully tommorow I can get more done around here besides six loads of laundry and the dishes. Still have like a gazillion little sewing jobs to do too. Though I hvae fixed two blankets, a blues clues puppy, and sewn a pillow in the last forty-eight hours. Maybe I should'nt be so hard on myself.

More later for now back to supper with Happy Gilmore and then folding more laundry.

Tired

2006-07-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

and blogger is doing weird laggy things again....Was going to post the other day but it got eaten somewhere along the way as if it never existed.....Or maybe I just dreamed the whole thing......Ever feel that way?

The Mr. Is not working at all once again and Lyss's day time sitter is unavailable for at least another month so the odds of him finding something are small as usual. I'm contemplating renting him out as a pack mule. At least he's getting some things done around the house that really need doing. I only pray he keeps at it and doesn't let his fishing obsession get in the way.
Though he hasn't gone out to go fishing since last weekend. I told him he could enter a tournament here locally since it was his birthday, and the guys he was teamed up with wound up leaving him behind. Which pretty much sucked in entirety. Nice way to spend a birthday.......

Work sucks. Not even that I hate my job, (though no it don't thrill me) I hate my station. I'm one of the only people who can competently run it, and it requires much more bending than I should be doing. Two pulled muscles have progressed to torn muscles, not to mention the constant battle to stay hydrated under heat lamps in an area where the temp gets down to 82 at the coolest. Beats being outside, but still no fun when six months pregnant and still passing kidney stones on and off. I'd think I'd be done by now, but no such luck. Apparently my fluid levels getting low does something to set the whole process off. My body's way of paying me back for my former drinking problems I suppose.

Going to bed. Keep your fingers crossed I don't grind my teeth. At least the teeth ain't hurting lately. (Knock on wood)

Later. Eventually. Or something.

Should have been back long before now but

2006-07-18T23:39:00.000-07:00

Things keep happening, like being laid up in the hospital with kidney stones and more frantic bill catch up......It seems they'll never all be caught up. Doing the math everything should be caught up in full right when I'll be on maternity leave. Joe is trying to pick up some part time work around the paper routes he'd trying to get contracted as his own right now. I really do hope it all works out. Meanwhile we're still struggling with Lyssa potty issues though she is trying to communicate more.

We're supposed to be trying to get her assesed for a special needs school come fall......though if it goes like any of the other assistance we've started to recieve and then had yanked away I wonder if it's even worth it to go through all the hoops. At least this week there is lots of local news coverage about FL DCF being investigated for closing cases without due cause. The supposed excuse is that all the social workers are over worked from Katrina evacuees.....Ahem.....(nothing nice to say here)

Tired, should be sleeping but it's hard to get comfortable as my stomach protudes more and my back is still killing me from the kidney stones and the muscles I pulled before being hopitalized trying to compensate and offset the pain. Good news is the baby is fine. I just feel like a train wreck.

Going to try to sleep again. More when I get around to it. Actualy trying to take it easy so I don't miss any more work.

bad love poetry the love and the poetry are bad nuff said

2006-06-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

Bubbles have it so easy always floating so light and airy on giddy eddies of air
Don't feel sorry that they pop, they are so free and uplifted when they do that they never even feel their passage into nothingness
but me I will never be so free as long as you weigh me down
I am a stone weighted by worry and erroded by empty promises
Better to be a bubble and burst so quickly you never saw it coming
than this wasting god forsaken errosion that scours the whole being of me slowly into something smaller and less than I was to begin with
Maybe just all of a sudden being nothing would be an improvement over being less than I was to start out with
But you don't even care empty "I love yous" fill the space growing between us
I can't help but think that when my errosion is complete you will still offer the same meaningless words up to the air because you haven't yet noticed I'm not around
oh yes as I errode small bits of debris ripple out and away from where I once was the center of the universe
will they liinger on like a ghost in my wake leaving you with the illusion of not being alone
I rather think you'd be too oblivious doing what you want to figure out you even lost me
the worst love to lose is the love you steal from yourself........

sigh

2006-06-19T21:40:00.000-07:00

I should check my last post for typos but I'm just too tired.

Net should get cut anytime now on accounta I just can't pay it. When I can figure out dial up or some such I'll be back meanwhile if I get a few more hours to answer e-mails and post I'll do so, but nothing is promised beyond right now as far as access.

If I'm away for a while take care all and know that my cranky cynical realistic and often disagreeable self will be back as soon as I can.

Peace

“confusing illegal people with criminals.”

2006-06-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

There are some interesting articles in the news today regarding a city in PA, Hazleton's crackdown on illegal immigrants.

This posts title comes from a comment in one of articles, wich I find rather insane.

let's look at the comment and break it down......

“confusing illegal people with criminals.”

First confusing:
2 entries found for confusing.
con·fuse ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kn-fyz)v. con·fused, con·fus·ing, con·fus·es v. tr.
To cause to be unable to think with clarity or act with intelligence or understanding; throw off.
To cause to feel embarrassment.
To mistake (for another): confused effusiveness with affection.
To make opaque; blur: “The old labels... confuse debate instead of clarifying it” (Christopher Lasch).
To assemble without order or sense; jumble.
Archaic. To bring to ruination.
v. intr.
To make something unclear or incomprehensible: a new tax code that only further confuses.

Next Illegal:
3 entries found for illegal.
il·le·gal ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-lgl)adj.
Prohibited by law.
Prohibited by official rules: an illegal pass in football.
Unacceptable to or not performable by a computer: an illegal operation.
n.
An illegal immigrant

And last Criminals:
1 entry found for criminals.
crim·i·nal ( P ) Pronunciation Key (krm-nl)adj.
Of, involving, or having the nature of crime: criminal abuse.
Relating to the administration of penal law.
Guilty of crime.
Characteristic of a criminal.
Shameful; disgraceful: a criminal waste of talent.
n.
One that has committed or been legally convicted of a crime.

That out of the way I'm possitive I'm not confused. Illegal people are criminals, they've broken the law, that's why we call them illegals. Duh!

Just because someone moved here illegal even with the best of intentions they should not be exempted from the laws of the land. It would be like excusing drug dealers for distributing illegal substances because they're just trying to make a living. Wait a minute, I suppose a lot of people out there might find that completely logical.....what is the world coming to.

I believe when we don't honor the laws, whether we agree with them or not, we further social deterioration. If you can't stand the laws where you live and chose to break them accept that there will be some sort of consequence.

Our government seems to feel inclined to reward people for illegally taking up residence in this country and there are people who whole heartedly embrace the idea. I'm not sure how to get across that rewarding negatives in any situation is bad. It's like giving your dog a treat for pooing on your rug, it reinforces all the wrong things.

We wouldn't give an exemption on tow years worth of taxes to a tax dodger, a rapist, or even an honest citezen, so why exactly is it okay to propose we do so for someone who relocated here in a criminal manner?

To me the logic is like suddenly deciding we should feel bad for all drunk drivers. Oh the poor drunk drivers are obviously so overwhelmed by all the tremendous pressures our society puts on them! It's wrong of us to punish them, when they obviously have a problem. Let's stop taking their licenses from them and make things easier on them by passing legislation that makes them exempt from speeding tickets and following the rules of the road......

My example is just as rational as some of the proposals our governmant has made depending on your perspective.......but that doesn't mean it's a good idea. My proposed train of though above will never happen though. US making our own citizens second class in our own country probably will.

Good, honest, hard, working people can't afford health care or retirement any more. Instead criminals in prison get health care and education at the tax payers expense and the undocumented seem to get break after break with our lawamkers. Vetrans and soldiers get picked apart by the media while criminals get pittied for the circumstances that drove them to be criminals instead of soldiers being respected for the things that compelled them to become soldiers and criminals being ridiculed for their choices to commit crimes.

Life is full of choices, accept responsibility for your own choices, actions, and deeds. Own your actions, rather than letting them own you. Define the circumstances of your life rather than allowing them to define you. Excuses are things we make to satisfy ourselves, and so it's doubly worng when we make them for other people.

Some of us need to grow up and stop turning society into a co-dependant communist's field day. We should want to help eachother, we should want to better ourselves and the world around us, but doing so should bot be a socially mandated burden, we should have enough human decency and integrity to know what is the right thing to do and do it. There is good in most people look at the outpouring of people after a disaster, like Katrina, 9-11, the Tsunamis in Asia. Did anyone get held at gunpoint so they could be forced to render aid? Were EMS workers and firemen at the scene of the WTC told help out or your life is forfit? No, they did what they did because it was the right thing to do.....that is heroism, the courage to do the right thing no matter how hard or harowing it may be, no matter how dangerous or fearful it is, because it has to be done.

I feel our country is not well served by trying to save the world by enrolling one illegal in medicaid at a time, by giving people who can't even read the language driver's licenses so they can get jobs, or by giving people amnesty and tax breaks.

We would be better served by putting more emphasis on intervention among those already living here, preventing dropouts. Creating jobs with value in a country with values. Working to make healthcare more affordable and efficient for everyone We should be working to help make sure the generations before us do not dwindle and die in poverty after the years of work they invested that helped make this country great.

Instead what I seem to be seeing is a nation that is used to having things handed to it, and seems to think it's alright to just hand those things over to anyone who hops the border and wants them. Give a dog enough rope and he won't hang himself, he run circles around you unti you cannnot figure out how to untangle yourself from the rope.

To all the folks who feel a moral and ethical obligation to help the people of Mexico escape their corrupt goverment, I give you two suggestions, on coarses of action that may prove more effective than letting them all move here.

One, look to your own corrupt government and deal with your own backyard before deciding to play code enforcement with your neighbor's.

Two, put your money where your mouth is and go adopt a Mexican. Seriously, people adpot those poor kids in third world countires and send them a nickel a day or whatever right. Go pick a Mexican waiting to immigrate and help him. Let him live in your house, eat your food, and teach him Englsih while you help him go throught the citezenship process legit like, rather than expecting other taxpayers who may not share your morale compulsions to have to foot part of the bill.

enough ranting for now.......

groan

2006-06-16T15:37:00.000-07:00

more than likely net will be gone as of the twentieth......unless I find some el cheapo dial up temporarily.......money from new job won't be coming in soon enough to get the present net bill paid off. Bleh. More new if any thing developes.....or something.

The truth about cats and dogs

2006-06-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

Where do pets come from?

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them.

And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

~Author Unknown~

morning finds me beyond nervous

2006-06-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

On top of having to disclose I intend to leave it lloks like I'll also be calling in late as the part time husband is no where to be found.

If you're wondering how I plan to avoid this with the new job, that contingency has already been addressed. i've already established prince not so charming cannot be relied on for transportation. So I've worked out carpool arrangements and all.

More later bout to go pace on the porch with the cordless.

Rambling in progress multiple rants ahead

2006-06-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

Forgive the lack of decisive articulation. There's just so much swimming around in my head I feel like I may explode.

First off I'm tired of being broke. Tommorow I plan to give notice to my present employer of five years and return to a previous employer. Mainly it's a money thing more hours and less responsibility at comparable pay. I just can't keep scraping by on the bills robbing Peter to pay Paul month to month. It's not fair to my little one for starters, and it's just plain stupid to continue in a situation where I feel like I can't move forward or achieve anything better.

Starting all over may not be the wisest decision but I just feel so utterly sick of feeling trapped by my circumstances. I feel I have to do something.

Not to mention I'm pretty tired of all the "cute" little remarks about how I should learn to drive at thirty years old. Why the hell is it that the fact I've never been able to drive immediately ear marks me as some sort of inept moron? I'm tired of no one taking me seriously just based on that one fact.

Not to mention that I really don't see how my inability to drive makes me any less ambitious. The leaps of logic most people make on this matter never cease to amaze me. (Though I do admit it was rarely given any thought when I lived in larger metropolitan areas with excellent mass transit.) It's bad enough that I still see all sorts of good ol boy favoritism go on here, and watch guys get promoted over me because (1) they're men, and (2) I can't drive. Give me a break, The fact I can't drive means I'm too stupid to learn how to do half the administrative functions of my job? But I'm still accountable for things like money and inventory.....yeah whatever . No I haven't bitched about it to human resources. I haven't done so in the past five years, it seems down right foolish to make an issue of it on the way out.

Though I am really nervous. For one I don't want a bad reference or to burn any bridges. Not that if I go back ever I'd want to go back to the same location. It's not even personal, it's just that I know I can't advance any further there. I can't get any better or even make any one else better. For me that's very frustrating. Still there are going to be hard feelings when I make my intentions to leave known. I'll get to hear about how we're short staffed. Funny how we're only taking applications now.

Really I suppose I should wait and see what tommorow brings. Maybe when I give my notice they'll tell me they don't need me anyway and just let me go. I don't know. I certainly don't feel very needed, just rather tired, and trapped. I feel competant, that's not the thing....appreciated, well there ae moments, but mostly I feel stuck. I try to picture where I'll be in five years if I stay on, and I see myself where I already am.

So yeah, basically I'm instead going to be taking a job that pays comparably that I'll have no title or tenure at. It won't look good on loan applications or resumes, there is no guarantee that I'll advance there any time soon (as it is a much smaller locally owned company with many tenured competant folks who've been there a lot longer), but I can live with knowing that since I know exactly where I stand. Do I want to stay at the new endeavor forever, no of coarse not, not if there's no where for me to go. But What exactly I'd do instead is something I'll have to mull over on maternity leave. For now I have bills to pay and hopefully a bit more income to save up in order to be able to pay said bills while on maternity leave.

Next source of anxiety, A possible all natural home birth with out a medical professional, I have no medical coverage at all and am having a devil of a time trying to get my medicaid reinstated. I feel like I'm having holes drilled in my head when I try to make any head way with assistance so I can get on my feet long enough to try to get out of the financial disaster I call my life.

I just get angrier and more depressed when I read about illegals only having to pay back three years out of five in back taxes, amnesty, and free college to better educate their kids.....Damn it what about me getting an education, what about our other vetrans getting education, medication, or even a glimmer of attention from the beurocracy? What about my kids getting a leg up and some help for college? Our goverment makes noises about wanting a more educated working class......how the hell do we convey to these people there is no need to import folks to educate, most of us would love to better ourrselves despite all the talk I hear of apathetic Americans, in some cases we may be, but when it comes ot bettering ourselves we tend to be a pretty ambitious lot I think.

I also hear talk of such crazy things as a nationalized education system, if we're going to dumb it down and lower the bar to maintain the illusion of equality and make the country bilingual, I want my children to have no part of a national education program.

God help me, I can't figure out if I even make sense lately. I'm mood swingy, depressed and forever second guessing every thing I do on top of being frantic from month to month as each bill gets due. I can't help but wonder if the pregnancy has helped scramble my brains or if the stress from knowing I am has just made me uber paranoid?

Barring I exhaust all efforts to impove my lot in my native land, the Ol U.S. of A., which I do love, but fret over a great deal, I seriously am considering immigration to Australia. I really don't like a lot of the trends I see happening in politics of late and it scares the hell out of me. Voting is supposed to give us the power of change but If I don't trust any of the candidates with my best interest or those of my countrymen, it leaves me feeling pretty helpless.

Plus I suck at Spanish, yo. Stupid me took French in school, which has helped me read some great recipes, but hasn't done much else for me.

Blah I've got to get some sleep and will the treadmill of conjecture in my mind to just stop......if only for a little while.

More later hopefully more lucid like.

feel up to some bird watching?

2006-05-10T20:15:00.000-07:00

http://www.infotecbusinesssystems.com/wildlife/

Baldeagle nest on live feed. Enjoy.

grunts

2006-05-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

Blogger sorta creeps me out sometimes. Like when it gives me 404 errors.....

Nothing new, lost my medical assistance though. Trying to get it reinstated butr ight now I can't get teh time I need off work to do that. It's really pissing me off. Five and a half months pregnant is not the best time to screw with a person's medical coverage.

Nor is it the best time make it damn near impossible for an employee to take time off during other place's "Business hours".

Still trying to figure out why exactly I put up with my job. I work six days a week most weeks and I still only wind up 28 with 33 hours? WTF? I've been debating beating my head on a wall.....feels like I am anyhow, might as well be a real cause for my feelings of futile frustration.

I broke down my take home pay and it's comes out to less than 200 bucks a week. I'm a manager for crying out loud! My take home pay for a year of work when I crunch the numbers breaks down to less than $9000.oo!! Before taxes get taken out it's right at $11,00.oo......for a freakin year !!!

I've got to find a real job!

*resumes pounding head on the computer monitor*

Done venting my outrage for now......

I'd pick onions (Rant in progress)

2006-05-01T15:38:00.000-07:00

If you don't like oppionated no holds barred diatribe, pike off now and don't bother reading this.....

In the news today, illegal immigrants all across the country have taken up protests. Claims from the protestors include things, like "We're the back bone of America....." "We butter their bread, and they butter ours......" and "They need us."

I don't know about you but illegal immigrants in the work force in my neck of the woods haven't made anything easier for me, just the rich fat cats.

They come take up slots for benefits, like food stamps, medicaid, and other forms of assistance while often working "under the table" in these parts. Maybe it isn't the same everywhere, but from my perspective they seem to put a strain on the already over-strained govement aide infrastructure.

To make matters worse, the rich justify hiring these folks by saying they'll do the jobs Americans won't do. The statement is only in part true, they'll do the jobs for less than minimum wage that Americans would never do for such a pitance. I don't see how making it legal for them to underbid American workers in terms of what they are willing to accept for their labors is going to help anyone, except the people employing them, and of coarse them (though that point is also debatable on the grounds they're being exploited anyhow).

America has enough internal troubles of her own with out importing more to exploit for cheap labor. We did away with slavery almost two centuries ago, because exploitation is wrong. The clincher is these folks don't see it as exploitation, they see it as a way to get their foot in the door, to take our jobs, out benefits, and slowly but surely our country.

There are protesters "demanding our rights", and the only thing they did was move here without our country's blessing. Now we have polititicians who wan to make it easier for them? What about all the people trying to legally imigrate, will they get put on the back burner while we expedite things for illegals?

Obviously I don't feel we should relax existing immigration policies. It's not entirely fair the way it is, but making it easier just isn't fair to those of us born, raised, and strugling to get by here, or those trying to get here via legal means.

American employers bemoan thigs such as minimum wage and talk about how such things hurt their proffitability. Meanwhile year after year the cost of everything sky rockets quicker than wages rise. Employers talk about paying employees based on value, and things like how many sick days employees take etc.

Did it never occur to folks in corporate America that their employees might want to earn enough to live on for their labors. Maybe if they weren't forced to struggle and felt like they might advance and be recognized they might be more productive?

Attention rich fat cats who like cheap immigrant labor, now here this, a one step solution to all your labor problems move you company to Mexico, pay your laborers pitiful wages, and stop whining about the troubles with American laborers. We do not deserve shitty severance packages, no job security, and dwindling benefits packages that cost us more and more each year.

We do not need to be told how much less valuable we are as employees when you can find cheaper or better educated laborers over seas. One day America will not belong to Americans any more, we will all wake up and wonder why all the road signs are in another language.

Then those Americans who were in a possition to do something may see, that all along they should have been investing in America and Americans.

We are our future.....and I'm not sure I like where it looks like we are headed.

Hell yes, I would pick onions from some field in Georgia for minimum wage if I knew I could earn enough to meet the standard of living. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to earn enough to pay for lights, water, rent, and my phone bill. (I won't even touch gas and car insurance.......at the moment that's another rant for another day) Unfortunately many employers seem to think it's unreasonable to pay someone enough to live on.

The argument is he's not the valuable, he's not educated, he only flips burgers, or what have you. Why is I suspect if there were no minimum wage and it were legal to hire a twelve year old for a dollar fifty an hour, that my combo meal will still cost almost eight dollars? Hmmmmm?

I wouldn't have an issue with lowering the minimum wage if I believed the over-inflated values of the things folks need to get by would drop as well. I don't see it happening though. I also don't see how paying an illegal less than a citizen and helping them become a citizen will help either. Call me selfish cause I am, but our priorites should be first come first serve.

We should be taking better care of our own people, like the elderly, our veterans, our poverty afflicted youth, there are so many people here we could already invest in, you'd be surprised how just a little help can give so much hope.....but throwing all that away on people who just want to wrest our way of lives from us and have it handed to them, will shatter more hope than can be forseen in the end I'm afraid.

The poor of this generation have nothing to look forward to but staying poor without some action taken. Our schools need reform, our healthcare system needs reform, and for sure we need to do something about inflation, besides import cheap labor, that's just like putting a band aid over a hole in your jugular vein after the wolf has torn out your throat.

Some argue if immigrants can find ways to live in this country on the amount they make we ought to be able to as well. So what would that mean for us all, four families piled into single family homes just so we can pay the bills. What about a chicken in every pot and a car in every drive way? The American dream? It's apparently turned into the some one else's dream......

Now mind you I don't have a problem with imigration, just illegal immigration.....if they do the work, tow the line and contribute why shouldn't they be allowed to join us? But just hop the boader, work for less and demand our rights? Get over yourself.

Folks make jokes about, if we throw out all the illegals and build a wall to keep them out we'd have no one to build the wall.

I have to say not only will I pick onions if I can make a decent living doing it, but If I'm making ends meet, and have the free time, I'll be glad to help build a wall or fence too.

Must sleep

2006-04-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

but I can't seem to......Too much going on and yet not enough going on. I feel ike crud, off and on migraines in the afternoons and can't take meds for them in light of pregnancy. I'm sure part of it is stress, and why is it that the universe must conspire to stress me out all at once? Oh, yeah, wait this is some sort of test. I better have at least a "B" I swear.

Trying to figure out what to do about everything going on, and at this point it looks like moving really is an option, as dead set as I have been against it. The animosity between my family and our landlord's employees grows daily and the new forms of harrasment are obnoxious. Hard to keep someone who works for the property owner off the property too. At least a few members of local law enforecement are aware of tenants rights though, and have backed us up to a degree, still every time we assert our rights, more passive/agressive retaliation comes along from these people. The property owner himself for the most part can't be bothered to do anything about any thing. This includes repairing the refrigerator, fixing the A/C duct work that's been damaged since flooding from Hurricane Dennis back in "04", repairing the jaggedly broken fence, and so on.

A while back we got the current lease agent into trouble, and the harrasment hass been going on ever since with increasing frequency.

It's all a rather long story, maybe sometime I'll relate the whole thing.

For now my point is, I love this house, but am really starting to hate it here. Which is screwed up and not a situation I need on top of all my existing stress.

Poor Lyss when/if we move though, she's lived here since she was just a few months old, and she really rather despizes change.

I can't figure out how o afford paying all the bills and paying for a new fridge and repairs to the A/C in order to make my utility bill affordable again though, so something is eventually going to have to give.

Actually I'm hoping for sooner than later, moving when I'm even further in my pregnancy is not a thought I relish much at all.

Who knows, maybe something will work out and be available and cheaper rather quickly. It would be nice to start saving a little money for things for the new little one coming and pay down some of these bill balances.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Peace.

They ain't Joking

2006-04-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/32482166/

Rain on

2006-04-26T23:21:00.000-07:00

(this one from Mar 10-06)

rain on me
till rivers run
chill my skin
cleanse my soul
take back all the words we said
lay beside me in the bed
Rain on me
till seasons change
why can't it be spring again?
Batter me with huge drops
drizzle, mist, but never stop
rain on me
So I don't wilt.....

just stop showering me with guilt

(this one just sort of snuck up on me as some of my poems often do I figure it's my subconcious being more in touch then boring old concious me or something)

Hunger burns

2006-04-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

(this from Mar 27-06)

Hunger burns within me,
I lie staring at the ceiling and feel it gnawing at my insides
No matter how much I eat it grows,
unsatiable,
It is not a hunger for nourishment
it is the hunger for more
More beyond this meager existance I struggle to eke out
but please do not mistake my hunger for greed
I have no wish to live beyond my means
just a hunger to have a little more than just ends meat
The endless shuffle of bills to be paid and no more check to pay them
makes me yearn sleepless in my bed
and wonder how to fill this hungry void
how?
All my hard work is still not enough to make the measure
there is always debt left over no matter how much I cut back.......
and hunger burns like tears drawn forth by onions

K.K.

haven't been doing much writing and certainly haven't been keeping the meager samples of what I have written current in any of my blogs.....shame on me......

A quote

2006-04-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

Haven't done a quote in while nor anything else meaningful, still getting pretty much wrung out by real life and bills.....so not been here much......expect I'll be aroudn even less if the phone and nets gets cut off bleh........

"Care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safedream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible"

ugh

2006-04-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

still incredibly tired but at least I've been able to sleep for a few nights here and there lately rather than getting drug out of bed to deal with paper routes.....I often wonder what would happen if I told my husband he needed to go into work and make up fifty pizzas for the buffet for me.......

Went to the doctors today for yet more lab work. Should know more in two weeks. Meanwhile I'm supposed to be taking it easy. I try not to laugh.

Must go now, the war for control of my refrigerator continues Alyssa just won't stay out of it. Seems I'll be chaining it shut again.

will update soon

2006-04-13T06:39:00.000-07:00

been battling exaustion and been too out of it to update

still nothing good

2006-04-07T06:35:00.000-07:00

Joe supposedly has a job, but I'll believe it when he has some income to show for it. It's supposed to be overnight, so he's gone even more than before and never gives me a damned clue what's going on.

I get off work at foue and get picked up then dropped off here and he leaves again. If I'm lucky he comes backk by to eat, usualy not though, typicaly I have to play phone tag with fifty people if I have to get in touch with him, and it's still useless to do so. To put it simply last time I called him for an emergency to take the tot the ER, he told me to call my mother because he couldn't help me. (no dad of the year award here)

Now it's 20 minutes til 9, and I'm supposed to be at work then......guess who still isn't around, third day in a row. Only I can't be late cause I'm one of the managers, and I am almost every day.

IT takes him far tooo long to do all the things he's supposed to do while drivein around making deliveries, but then again he refuses to sleep. If I'm lucky he hasn't had another car wreck. It's gettting harder to give a shit about some one who is too immature to even get enough sleep. He blames me, which is funny really since I'm the one person he avoids as much as humanly possible. Maybe he's rationalized it out that if I didn't make him avoid me this shit wouldn't happen. Whatever, I can't make his choices for him, stupid bastard. If I could both our lives would be much less fucked up.

Nothing good to say at all still, see. Now It looks like I need to call my boss and mske her extremely unhappy.

Still not happy

2006-03-31T19:14:00.000-08:00

So naturally still not posting much.

Nights like this I sit here and wonder WTF is worng with me? Why the hell am I investing any time or effort into a partnership no one else is investing in?

The longer I sit here the more pissed off I get. I'm sick of all the bullshit lines, lame excuses and empty promises, like I'll only be gone an hour I swear.......I'm sorry, I just lost track of time......and my favorite why the fuck do you need to know what Ispend every dime I spend on?

Since he still doesn't have a job I'm pretty bitchy about money.....he swears he's doing a paper route for extra cash but he always has the meager 380 dollars a month it pays spent before he gets it, He borrows money to pay for gas and fishing crap.

Of coarse he sees no problem with this behavior, I'm the problem, the controling tight wad bitch.....meanwhile the bills pile up and money leaves my checking account without my clearance......I'm about to the point of pressing charges, he is not on that account for a reason.

I'm also about ready to figure out how to borrow the money for a divorce.......It's family night, asshole rented a movie and then left me and Lyss here with it four and half hours ago. I already know he won't be back to watch it with us any time soon.

So yes I'm ranting. The situation isn't going to change until I change it. I know this though I drag my heals about it. I'm due with our second child in late September. No real excuse, I used to say I loved him and just wanted to work things out, but it's getting hard to love someone who isn't interested in anything but being selfish......the resentment has just about swallowed all the love up.

Prayers and good thoughts won't go astray. IF I go totally silent for a while it's because I grew a pair and moved out.

peace

Today's Thought

2006-03-25T01:39:00.000-08:00

The sky does not love or hate it only watches from afar

(originally posted on Oct 25th 2004)

blah blah

2006-03-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

I feel like telling the whole world that right now. I feel blah, got this sinus infection crud, it's aweful. And the stupid pharmacy lost my script.

I got another one of those pay checks that pissed me off today. It paid exactly one third of the bills I desperately need to pay and no relief in sight.

As I have nothing to do but bitch I'm off.

Blah, blah, blah........

Not my lucky day and life sucks

2006-03-17T15:40:00.000-08:00

so won't be here for a while can't be bothered, really, the plan is work and sleep and just not give a shit otherwise.

Stupid prick of a husband let my cat out today. My Happy, that is his name, is not an outdoor cat. Though he has lived out doors. He's so damn freindly though I expect he was poached by the first cat lover who happened upon him. I've looked everywhere and my sweet little orange furball is gone.

Joe better not make it up to me by getting me yet another orange cat either. It he quit letting them out on me, I might still have a few orange cats ago still around to keep me company.

Going to crawl back under a rock now. At least the stupid bastard can't let him out and lose him on me again while he has all the doors opened to deal with his fishing tackle, now that it's already done.

no change in status

2006-03-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

Doing my damndest to keep the bill collectors appeased but it's not going so great. It doesn't help that I'm still stuck in this only getting scheduled for thirty hours a week rut after the loss of my regular weekend hours. Towards the end of the month I have a few weekend shifts, but I think it's only to offset the days off I asked for for doctors appointments. So I still have thirty flipping hours a week......not enough to pay much, earn vacation days, qualify for insurance or get any other full time incentives.

I'm still looking for something else. Applied to work the deli counter in the Evil Super-Walmart.....Am not holding my breath.

That's all for now, I'm off to check classifieds before bed so I can say I've not given up. Peace.

:P

2006-03-04T21:51:00.000-08:00

Joe got fired today......

nothing else to say......

I expected it, he didn't really want the job to begin with.....

Hope he finds one he intends to keep and soon, I'm no longer in any position to stave off the bill collectors at all......

The tax return is all long gone too

I have resorted to making my intent to pawn fishing equipment known.....

frankly at the moment given the choice between losing the husband or the house.....I'd keep the house.

Which he uses as an excuse for his behavior.

shutting up now as this is non-constructive.

nothing new to report

2006-03-01T18:31:00.000-08:00

on the car

however a pleasant surprise, I did get an e-mail from one of my freinds I'd not heard from in a long while today.....all the way from Finland :)

after many attempts to rig the car to work all have failed

2006-02-28T15:20:00.000-08:00

still can't get the lights to stay working without things jarring loose. So now muct get the parts with money I don't have because Joe is now missing his third day of work.......

Never ever get a high maintence man......get one that can at least support himself.......

Ugh......

Mood, Exaperated and Frustrated, what's new?

happy birthday to me not

2006-02-27T17:00:00.000-08:00

insurance will cover damages to the dumb B*&$%'s vehicle but under florida law as we're told since we hit her from behind we're at fault since she will not outright admit to not using her turn signal and braking to a complete stop before her turn

Damages to her vehicle wil be covered, which in a way is good, it wasn't really hers, she was test driving it......she was in the process of looking to buy a new car after recieveing her settlement from the car she totaled, funny it was also rear ended.....apparently there's a history there, or at least our claims adjuster tells us so on looking into her record, he isn't allowed to be specific, but he did say the insurance company plans to persue any legal options they have against her......

meanwhile our damages aren't covered, so the headlight is wired in with spit, duck tape, and baling wire and there is still no front turn signal on the right side.

Joe's already missed tow days of work and we need to be able to get the thing minimally road legal for night driving for both of his jobs......if he doesn't get a check we won't be able to buy the parts we need.....

so pray it doesn't rain, as some of the systems are exposed until we get the new light assembly and fender should take a few weeks.....

ugh.....

light reading

2006-02-26T14:39:00.000-08:00

http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/Savinganddebt/Savemoney/P124273.asp

crunch

2006-02-26T14:35:00.000-08:00

yesterday presented another hit in the wallet Joe got into a car accident, his first. The other driver decided to turn two feet in front of where she was tryingto get right after Joe changed into that lane of traffic. He could not complete pull back into the lane he'd come from without royally screwing up the front passenger side of our car (which I just got done having completely tuned up and maintained) windshield is cracked too.

Keep those fingers crossed that the insurance folks take good care of us expediently, because though the engine is sound, the body and light assembly are not, meaning Joe can't drive legally at night right now, bad because both of his jobs are at night.

I have been brooding

2006-02-24T19:08:00.000-08:00

over having my weekend hours cut, it will take a chunk out of my income whihc is already meager......Joe did something shocking, he actually did something about it and starts a second part time job on Monday Delivering papers part time. The income should actually a be a little more than what I'm loosing......

Now if only he'll stay on good behavior and remain focused on financial well being.

He took Alyssa out on a play date while I was at work today and on erands with him, she was a little angel and was a little angel all day. I keep trying to tell him whe loves it when he does stuff with her......

titleless rambling

2006-02-23T16:17:00.000-08:00

spent Tuesday sick, the whole family, som sort of icky stomach bug :(

Nothing much else going on.

Alyssa's current obsessions, Dolls, and flashlights.....

philisophical ranting

2006-02-19T02:00:00.000-08:00

If there is no love within the self to know, how can one truthfully know that love is being experienced....? It's like which came first the chicken or the egg? The philosophy of it can be worked from either angle, yes, but the ugly side of it is people often revert to their baser natures and exploit anything they can.....Not everyone is in the same state of mental evolution.....some people can only love themselves and nothing else, some people can only love beyond themselves, there must be a state of balance.

For me most problems get worked on from the smallest posible element and then outwards, as I'm a pretty small element in the grand scheme of things I start within me, then attempt to work outwards.

If I can't find anything to love in myslef, why should I bother loving anyone else, what could I possibly have to offer them when I can offer myself nothing? It's just my perspective and though I have moments of brilliance and passion, most would agree that it's tragic I'm ruled by logic not conceptualization. I'm at peace with that. I'm not always at peace with the actions of others, but their actions are not my own and when I try to bring to much focus and emphasis on them and geting the outcome I want from them, I lose mastery over myself, which is an element I can control.

I'm not perfect, but I can live with my choices and learn from both the good and bad ones. It has been my experience that endless seeking and yearning for a love outside myself has in most cases been sadly dissatisfying, I have yet to encounter any individual who will love me and value me in equal proportion to the love and value I hold for them. That being the case I owe a good bit of that love to myself. It may seem crazy but that has improved a lot of things in my life and it helps me keep my perspective.

Again, keep what you can use and disgard the useless

"I can't be all things to all people, but I can be something to everyone, for there are times the parts are greater than the whole."

(drafted on NOV 8 05)

Good news and bad news

2006-02-18T23:36:00.000-08:00

The bad news first just so it's out of the way.......

Cravings for Mexican food slathered in lots and lots of guacamole, at one AM in the morning should not be yeilded too.....they result in sleepless nausea and a need for pepto cocktails.......(yes I'm weak, and caved to the crave) Pity me not, but repeat not my suffering......

Good news, uhm yeah but it's jaded good news, my life is so twisty though what other sort would there be? Got a certified letter from a law firm the other day......(no I didn't inherit anything) On receiving it, I assumed it was about a debt, and I was right.....it was regarding the $5000 in back rent we owe......this was both good and bad. I try not to post too much negativity so I know the details of trying to pay my rent and getting the run around about it have not been posted really, simply that I've been falling further and further behind, there are two reasons, one the man stopped working, and two, the person supposed to be handling the rent quit taking it.....so we weren't even to make partial payments, attempts at contacting the real property manager, or owner both in other states met with nothing but dead ends.

Attempts to deal with the people here locally went even worse (though at least now we know why but back to that later)

So This letter demands a certain ammount of money by the end of the business day on which we recieved it, or we are to get out. (I know this sounds bad) Joe was of coarse livid I even signed for the bloody thing. I was terribly relieved however to hear something from someone even if we didn't have the entire amount of money asked for. We now had a point of contact, though I was upset over not having all the money. Still at least we were about to find out where we stood as far as still living here.

We called the law firm. They proved to be very helpful once they got a hold of their client our landlord. We were able to work out a different downpayment amount and a payment plan, to make a very long story short.

With any luck we can keep on top of all of this as the part time husband guy is supposed to start a job on Monday.

Meanwhile I sit here with a great roiling in my guts......Guacamole at this hour!!!! What the hell is wrong with me?

Peace, love, and Peptobismol, for at the moment pepperoni is absolutely out of the question

Semi here

2006-02-16T21:21:00.000-08:00

had some puter problems that required uhm, well, a new hard drive among other modifications (this would not have been possible if we didn't have a horde of parts from our previous dead computers) also upgraded to winxppro......which was on one of the other pcs the disk and regisry turned up so the harddrive got reformatted after adding more memory.

The part time husband.....(I call him that cause he's never around when I need him and he shows up about as often as one might around a part time job) is AWOL again, so what's new? Absolutely nothing......

Other than the reward for hard work......mmmm yeah I work really hard try to care about my job and get my hours whittled away to the salarieds can make their minimum hours......for a very long time I got stuck with shifts no one else wanted and was able to pick up hours......now those shifts have been taken while it's convenient for others to work them, I'm sure I'll get stuck back on them with little to no staff again as soon as all the people who get enough hours to earn vacation days start racking up vacation time for this year, meanwhile I still don't get enough hours to really do a whole lot of anything like rack up vactation days( and yes I am still looking for other work.)

With luck I'll find something wonderful out there and tell my bosses who are supposedly my friends (I often wonder) to kiss off......

Just came here to rant really can't sleep......and no one cares......there is this trend lately, towards renewed insomnia......I promise I will try to remain vigilant about sleeping lord knows I'm always tired......not like I really work a whole lot though......

Can we tell I'm frustrated still......mmmm.....and I had promised myself to be more constructive here.....

perhaps something will break the pattern of garbage that currently seems prevalent, well wishes and crossed fingers are welcome, meanwhile I will not give up. Though I won't post much with nothing good to say, I feel so very counterproductive doing it.

Peace

update

2006-02-02T15:26:00.000-08:00

not really any good newsso I've not been here much Joe has been unemployed three months now and all I get are excuses about why he still is desperately behind on bills even with me at work much of the time I just can't pay it all myself

I do hate giving him ultimatums but he leaves me no choice it seems

I expect things to continue to deteriorate as I fall further behind on things.........

that is all

status check

2006-01-04T15:10:00.000-08:00

I'm still here, the calandar says 2006 now, I can still get online, I'm at work all the time, nothing new to declare......peace

some words of insight from Mother Theresa

2005-12-25T21:54:00.000-08:00

People are often unreasonable and self centered,
Forgive them anyway

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives,
Be Kind anyway

If you are honest, people may cheat you,
Be honest anyway

If you find happiness, people may be jealous,
Be Happy anyway

The good you do today, may be forgotten tomorrow,
Do Good anyway

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be good enough,
Give your best anyway

For you see, in the end it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

meant to but didn't no excuses

2005-12-24T08:38:00.000-08:00

I meant to send out more cards, meant to reply to more mail, meant to blog more and keep up better with everyone, and in short meant to to make more gifts, while work has beena drain and hampered to some degree, if I really wanted to I could have squeezed all these things in, I simply didn't give it a high enough priority in my pre-holiday gloom and funk.
Been keeping on my unaffected face at work and trying to look like I don't care or that anything bothers me, but it isn't the truth.
Meanwhile I have no excuse to offer, just I didn't get it done and there is no one to blame but me, the master of my own actions......
perhaps I'll breakdown and make a Christmas in july again this year to make up for it (I did it a few years ago and it was sort of nice)
now back to reality and yeah if you come here and read this and are waiting for your card (If you didn't get one by the 20th I doubt you have one coming because I procrastinated too long)

nope everyone has a safe and happy holiday I'm going to catch up on some sleep since Christmas fell in such a way that I get two days off in a row....on the downside I'll be at work on news years day early AM so though I'll have new years eve off I doubt I'll go out and about, likely I'll take a nap that evening just so I can be awake at midnight. Pitiful thing aren't I?

2005-12-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

slightly better
still tired all the time think it might be the working six days a week? hmmm.....might be....I'll try not to work myself to death....not much else going on, thankfully nothing has gotten worse. More later whenI'm less tired and have something to say.
posted by K-Squared at

More bullshit

2005-11-21T16:51:00.000-08:00

more marital unraveling don't expect to be on here much......things are really bad, too upset to think now just figured a heads up might be good.

meh

2005-11-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

still tired nothing new to report tired still working. Feel like I haven't had a day off even though I had monday off having shy all day sorta threw that off. Suposedly I won't have her saturday which is my other day off this week so maybe I can rst up and get some things done.

a retraction

2005-11-06T17:32:00.000-08:00

so at this time I wish to retract a statement
I have said on past ocaisions that I won't ignore people or let them fall out of my life without extending effort to prevent it
I've lost track of a lot of people over the years that way
but in spite of small twinges of regret that feel like pinpricks on the dark blot of my soul
I lied
those prickling nagging little irritations that were once huge burdens of regret and guilt are gone
My twin pillars of self destruction, guilt and regret, are gone the past has already happened and the future hasn't
So I'm not looking back much these days
there will be no more late night messages from my fevered from stress brain saying things like if you don't feel like talking to me just say so
That I was ever so stupid makes me wonder obviously about what the hell is worng with me at times
if people don't want to talk to me, they simply won't talk to me. The prime example of this would be that nameless person I married.....that guy who wants to work things out with me whenever he talks to me, but isn't around much to do any of the working out or more talking on the matter
talk is cheap though isn't it?
this would be why I'm back at work trying to take control of my life
Foolish of me to have ever given the control away
I can't save anyone till I save myself......but I'm begining to think for all it's mass bitching and moaning the world doesn't really want to be saved anyhow......

so to anyone who visits me here if I seem like I'm ignoring you
I'm not but I'm not going to keep stagnant lines of conversation or communication opened if they are all one way my time is getting increasingly limited as I take on more hours but if you want me to save you I promise to put you on the list in the order that you apply for rescue the first person on the list is me, the second is Alyssa, third to infinity are still opened.....
if you want to talk, talk I'll make time somehow, if not keep silent till one day the present is all just a blur of events passed and we think of ech other less than the average person reflects on what ever happened to a one hit wonder......
to those I loved, I loved you well or terribly but know it was with my whole heart (funny how the metaphysical heart can be wholly devoted to so many causes isn't it?) to those I still love.....keep in touch.....to those who wonder.....ask.....I'll answer as best I can

Peace (RT -6-Nov-2005)

zonked

2005-11-05T16:14:00.000-08:00

feel sorta like I got hit by a Mac truck gonna take a nap and try to get a few thousand words added to my Na no wri mo experiment

work hasn't been too aweful yet but right now I'm mostly on day shift thank god it gets busy but somehow there is less pandemonium during day shift

no full moon madness? who knows too tired to ponder.

still tired

2005-11-02T04:13:00.000-08:00

tired insane trying to Na-no-wri-mo got in a decent start so far but I may be going back to work as of later today or tommorow (no not a new job same old crap unfortunately but otherwise there will be no income at all) things go slightly better in some respects but mostly worse in others. The downside of having to work means I'll have to let Joe around to baby sit while I do.....it also means I can't get as much packing done while waiting for the eviction of doom and I already know the fool won't be bothered.

Just updating while I have time. Mr. Unemployed spends a lot of time talking about e-bay and doingnothing. HE blames me for usingthe puter and preventinghim. Yet when he sits down in front of this thing it's only to play tradewars for three and four hours at a time.....

useless.....I'm told writing a novel is useless too, I beg to differ, god forbid I ever write something salesable. I mean cripes I've sold short stories and poems in the past......but whatever I'm too tired to realy deal right now just updating since I may be on even less after this morning.......

peace....

too tired

2005-10-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

to think straight or even type terribly well. I will know more on Monday about what's going on here. Meantime I am still at the house and in the process of sorting things out. My life is a huge mess, didn't we know, so now to try to fix all the little details that have long been falling through the cracks.

I've made completely clear I can't fix someone else's life before fixing my own, it's just tearing me down. I'm not trying to be too selfish, but I can't keep putting everyone else first, going two days with only eating a cheeses sandwich and only getting 4 and a half hours of sleep while making sure I take care of a special needs kid and a completely capable grown adult (however manic he is) is just more than I can handle. So I'm working on getting myself together. I'm still looking for work, and still trying to get things done around here.

Yes I'm still very serious about the seperation, I can't even get him to let me know what his plans are about anything so I can make my own. If he's going to live seperately like that why stay? The only major good developemnt is for the last two days he has been somewhat more active in helpign with Lyss, though it's still not much, I pointed out I refuse to be responsible for the well being of three people, two are my current priority, me & Lyss.....Wait til I really do make him wake up on his own. I refuse to be responsible for him being on time to things if he really wants to do so he'll put forth the effort on his own and stop using me as a crutch.

I slept a lot today, I'm still very tired, got myself in one of those erratic sleep ruts trying to keep up with his insane alarm clcock demands waking him anywhere between 4&6 am after being up til 1 am or 2 am waiting for him to come home from fishing to mke sure he'd eat......I can't live that way. He can come home and eat at a reasonable hour or figure it out on his own. Fatiguing myself to the point I'm irrational and slowly starving myself for the good of others doesn't leave me in a possition to care for anyone else never mind myself.

Thankfully he had enough sense yesterday to do some light grocery shopping, he's supposed to pick up a few more things today. If not I'll try to go after work tommorow. I need protein, this living on rice and bread cause there is no money is taking a serious toll. I don't have much money at all but it's better than nothing. (ever notice that all the foods that are really good for you cost outrageously, and all the crap is cheap (they do that to hook you on the sugar I'm convinced)..........

on another note for the time being I should be online till Monday. I'd love to be able to get on at night after that till the end of November, I was going to do Na-No-Wri-Mo this year and I would still like to, of coarse other things may very well take priority. I'm going to keep my nose to the grindstone on other things regardless....

peace for now I'll update when I know more.

sad news

2005-10-28T03:58:00.000-07:00

Sadly I have announced my intention to move out and seperate to my spouse today. Things had improved and seemed to be going well when everything reverted again overnight. For those of you that know me better than others you can likely guess parts of that.
I am very sad, this isn't something I want to do but the well being of my two year old is first and foremost, second is my own sanity.....which I am losing rapidly. I will try to get back on and update, but can't promise anything, I really don't know what will happen. I'm tired of being told if I don't like the way he runs things I know where the door is, I do indeed know where both of them are. I do still love him very much, but this is not a healthy state for any of us to live in, so someone has to be adult enough to take some sort of action to disrupt the staus quo......

I will update if I can.....

not so much as a ruffle

2005-10-25T12:42:00.000-07:00

from that storm out in the gulf, presure fronts here shifted and thank god it's cold. Well not freezing but the Ac is unnecessary and cooking doesn't over heat the whole house. at night it's cold enought to need all the blankets and wear socks.

It's very windy, and that may be from the storm, or not this time of year it is normal for a lot of wind to come in off the waters in the gulf anyhow. This is usually the time of year we start needing sweaters and chapstick.

Car is partly fixed but the insurance is about to go on it entirely, so it may get parked fixed completely and then slowly paid off. I don't know for sure. Unless it starts raining money so I can get new insurance. Money is bad as usual here, for reasons I won't get into.

Got to go finish up on a birthday present I've been making. Nothing else to report right now. Peace.

another storm

2005-10-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

Let's hope Id on't have a close brush with this one, there is no car right now. Hasn't beeen since Sunday, and what they thought was wrong with it the first two times didn't make the piece of crap run again. So we're out of money to try anything else. This also means wehave no money to get ready for the storm beyond what we always have on hand during huricane season (lots of water and flashlight batteries) money has been so tight for a while that we haven't been really buying a full run of groceries either, so non-perishable food items.....well if it gets bad we could eat our cats (not that we'd want to but that's what'd available for emergency rations, and a power loss would mean we have to barbecue.....or we could eat barbecued possum) the pecans are ripe, perhps I should go rape the pecan tree, there'd be something to eat and the storm wouldn't blow them all away if it hit.

So that's where I'm sitting at. The storm has at the moment turned and looks intent on wreaking havoc South Florida way. Hate to say it ut I'm glad at this moment it might not head here. (it could turn again obviously) meanwhile all my uncles in south Florida and their familes are in my prayers. Nothing else to say right now other than does anyone know the best way to reconfigure a refrigerator to lock? I can't keep the kid out of it. She can open doors and such now too, so sh leaves her room while decent folks (parental types) are asleep to raid the fridge. It's a serious problem when the food is so scarce anyhow.

a short entry

2005-10-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

I am pleased to see that mandatory voter ID's got over turned in Georgia today. For the simple reason, if a citizen is required to get one in order to vote, it shouldn't cost money. Most states charge for an ID of any sort, I understand that the money has to come from somewhere, but a system in which in essence one must pay to vote? With the econemy in the state that it's in, I can see that voting would quickly become a priveledge for those that could afford the luxury of an ID that must be paid for. I know entierly too may people that barely scrape by on their earnings as it is, never mind possibly needing to pay to vote.... (via having to buy a special ID)

When a thing like voting becomes something that only the financially well off can afford to do for any reason, The United States of America, becomes something else, and not the nation we were taught our forefather's envisioned.

So bravo to the judge, who made the right call in this case.

battered

2005-10-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

I fall weary,
hardly able to stand or stagger to begin with,
and get up again
two steps and tumble
grace eludes me in this state
So tired and battered from the labors of the day

It is with gladness I reach the bed
to fall into it's comforts
and greet the sweet oblivion behind my eyelids
Thank you Lord, today I lived well
And though I am tired, I am very much alive.........

Motives

2005-10-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

I have spent far too much time since late August worying about everyone's motives for things, (not literally everyone but quite a few people) Foolish!
I haven't engaged in such folly since my first terribly screwed up long term relationship fell apart.

I can't truly understand other people, and if I did I'm sure I'd just be pissed off in 8 out of 10 cases.

I'm done trying to figure the motives of others out, if they want me to know they'll tell me. Meanwhile my priority should be my own motives. I've been examining a lot of mine from the last few months, petty, very petty. I turned a blind eye to my own childishness, telling myslef it couldn't be so bad if I wasn't alone in what I was doing. Examination brings to light the glaringly obvious error that, that made it even more wrong, I should know when to led by example and say this isn't right, what we're doing is wrong, but time and time again, I failed that test. I've taken it up with god. I'm sure he'll get back to me.

For the record I'm not trying to say god governs my actions, he does not, god gave men free will, to blame him, or the devil for our own choices is lies. God, gives me insight, not impulses. So my actions are mine, I accept full responsibility for them.

I made a mistake

2005-10-15T00:38:00.000-07:00

I thought, I knew what someone wanted, and thought I'd try to help her. Instead I seem to have made everything worse. I have been duly buttchewed.

I want to blog all sorts of really great insightful thoughts about, as aunt would tell me, the road to hell being paved with good intentions. Everything I've typed up though has been just deh drekness. I lack polish or something. I sit here and feel stupid. Kae would tell me not to, and that the only person who can make me feel stupid is me. I don't know how to not feel stupid though, especially after butting far too much into someone else's person life. I did mean well, I'm sorry, and I see why you were avoiding me now aunt. If I made anything worse or more negative or made you more bitter, forgive me. The only thing I'm not sorry for is our Three AM trip over blood clots.

I didn't really get to apologize to you, to your face, you just told me stop worrying, and tuned me out. I hate that you know. At least I know why you do it though.

Really this blog entry is more between you and me than any body else, but I want to say here, take me off the account if you want. I made your life a bigger mess meddling in things and I never have anything to really say here anyway.

I'm sorry for thinking I know your mind and needs better than you do. I base my perceptions of you on the person I knew so very well six years ago. You have changed a lot, and I have over looked a lot of that.

NJR-

If your ship doesn't come......

2005-10-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

loot it, sink it in the channel and do your damnedest to claim the cargo on your insurance......isn't immorality grand......

It is for some people. For some people the sort of thing mentioned above is just everyday business.

Lucky or unlucky for me I mean it metaphorically......there is more than one way to get your ship.....I think I'll swim after mine now........

buerocratic hooey

2005-10-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/13/national/nationalspecial/13housing.html?pagewanted=2&th&emc=th

go read it I'm serious.....it's insane....how can a our goverment argue it doesn't have the money to absorb the cost of something while shelling out 11 million a day?

quoted

2005-10-12T13:12:00.000-07:00

The greatness of a man's power is the measure of his surrender. – William Booth, 1829-1912, British Religious Leader and Founder of The Salvation Army

(hey light blogging was all I promised for a bit at least I'll try to kep it real)

Untitled

2005-10-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

I would rather stumble a thousand times
Attempting to reach a goal,
Than to sit in a crowd
In my weather-proof shroud
A shriveled and self-satisfied soul.
I would rather be doing and daring
All of my error filled days,
Than watching, and waiting, and dying
Smug in my perfect ways.
I would rather wonder and blunder,
Stumbling blindly ahead,
Than for safety's sake
Lest I make a mistake
Be sure, be safe, be dead

author unknown

PRUNING

2005-10-11T15:25:00.000-07:00

yep still nto quite in shape to blog I keep finding things to do, I'll get it all caught up I swear, better than sitting around and allowign everything to pile up and overwhelm me. I've decided to do some pruning here though maybe a light blog entry later tonight......we'll see.

(pruned about thirty entries, either short, ranting aimlessly or just plain negative I'm sure there are more but thirty minutes of pruning is enough for now. Time to move on to the next task.)

more of the same old &%#@

2005-10-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

yeah, you know what I mean. I had every intention of blogging today. Joe stayed home from work sick, to the best of my knowledge he just didn't feel like going in, oh he has a story doesn't he always? We'll see if he stil has a job tommorow, or maybe they'll wait a few weeks, they are very short staffed right now. At anyrate. I've not been able to get at the PC as much as I'd like and when I can, it's harder to think than usual, I have both Lyss and Joe to contend with. Hopefully all will turn out well and I can get a few things up post wise tommorow before I have to sit.

I have a few things I'm working on, but Bloggity blogs will take a back seat to CoS, I've been badly neglecting the updates there that I already have written.

Peace, pieces, and Picante Sauce.........

when the only tool you have.....

2005-10-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

is a hammer, you see every problem as a nail - Maslow

yes so try to borrow tools and not to pound on everything to fix it.....

Well it's on the list of things I struggle with, I'm blunt and forthright, sickenly honest and I try not to be too honest there is a point where honesty is just plain cruel and so I simply shut up. I believe in tough love, I can be very loving make no mistake but there are a lot of things I won't shelter those I love from. I need to find a happy medium between tough lough with my hammer and being little miss lay there and take it doormat person.

I've been quiet lately because I know I know the answeres, but the answer for me is not the same answer for everyone else

If I got you with that hammer though, and you aren't a nail, feel free to take a minute to stamp out your feet on me

More later, let's hope I wake lucid I know I haven't been completely last few days my mind has me believing that I don't know what I'm believing and I'm not the sort of person to doubleguess myself and get doubtful I do have terrible moodswings though and they've been a bit bad for about the last week my dreams started getting weird and turned bad again on me

Still off the caffiend and meds to cut back on that situation but it isn't completely gone I'll go pray over it more till my eyes fall closed and yes I am sure that will help

good night all till I type again
PEACE

creature of habit

2005-10-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

Thus is my nature and too many flucuations in my routine tend to send me skittering into irrationality

these lapses tend to make me disapear off the face of the earth

so yes I've been getting bogged down and struggling with mood swings

it's fairly normal for me too and please don't worry too much if it seems very bad close to the holidays, it is a very stress filled time that has always depressed me terribly

as they creep nearer expect me to remain more quiet I hate blogging negativity, sometimes I break down and do it, but I'd rather blog with higher purpose so if I'm quiet

I'm following that sage advice of not sating anything at all if I can't say anythign nice

peace

Ink

2005-10-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

stars floating in a sea of ink
feel my heart sink
why is it still beating
fluttering in liquid
shallow beats
that hardly make muffled pulses
ripples in darkness
contrast with starkness
silver edges little
cascades of
masquerades
I remain afloat among stars
floating in a sea of ink
stop asking me what I think.....

Taking love forgranted

2005-10-03T12:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever taken love forgranted? Laid all your burden on who you thought was the strongest person, walked off and left them to deal and gone back to find them crumpled under all the weight?

I have, I did and now it's happening again, only I didn't do it. I'm bearing witness this time. Have I been put in this exact place and time just to understand the consequences? Or is there some point? It's nerve wracking that many of my offers of help go refused while someone I care for sinks further into some recessed place I'm not sure how to reach.

I'm not even sure what's weighing this person down so very much. I dig and scramble and look for answers, but all information I have leads me to know conclusion. The one person who can enlighten me won't even acknowledge the problem.

The only small comfort I can seem to find is in a faith that turned it's back on me and a God who didn't. May he help me get to the bottom of this, it really really bothers me.

A short note to those who read

2005-10-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

This is sort of a present. And possibly one of the coolest ones I've ever gotten. My Aunt has given me permision to join her blog. Yay. I'm not sure how often I'll pop in and share, not too often I don't believe. My own drivel will likely pale miserably compared to some of Kae's gems of wisdom.

There is a point......

2005-10-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

"One man, scorned and covered with scars, still strove with his last ounce of courage to reach the unreachable stars; and the world was better for this." - Don Quixote

(recycled with intent from June 20th 2005)

Three

2005-09-27T05:48:00.000-07:00

(do we make ourselves victims?)

Some people go through life wondering why me? Why do these things always happen to me? Some argue it's fate, preordained and inescapable, some argue it's the power of the human mind, if we perceive that this is the way things always have been and always will be it makes it so. I tend to believe the latter actually. God does have plans for us and tests, but we have free will, which is part of how evil exists in our world, the free will is a test in and of itself.

Sure some situations in life no one could bring on themselves no matter how negative or gloomy they are, Gloom and negativity does not make cat five hurricanes wipe cities of the face of the earth. Gloom despair and depression do contribute to impaired judgment though. A depressed person is much more likely to have just one more drink and then drive home, or stumble across campus in the dark without paying attention to that guy in the alley at all.....You get my point I hope. When we turn out attention completely inwards and wallow in ourselves we tend to tune out what's going on around us, it often gives negativity room to roost.

So this is something of a wake up call, depression is no easy monster to shake. I struggle with it everyday. This blog has sort of evolved into my personal battle against it, I hope it helps others in their struggle.

Do something, sitting there and taking it won't help anything. Even if all you do is start writing about things, take action, stagnation is defeat, and I don't know about anyone else but I'm not beaten yet. There is an answer to every dilemma, just be aware you won't like all the answers. The root of change is you, the world really is as you perceive it, that's tough to learn I know. See yourself as broken? So does everyone else, there is power in positive thinking, it's not the only driving force on earth, but if it's the only thing you can do for yourself right now make it step one, you owe yourself. Figure out what you're good at, if there isn't anything figure out something you like that you can improve on, and do it, even if bit by bit. As I've already said doing nothing, accomplishes nothing. Last of my advice, the spiritual human heart is a fragile thing, but also be aware, it can heal just as it can be broken again, God made us to love, truly, We are creatures of love. Never stop loving, or you are defeated. God Bless.

Two

2005-09-27T05:25:00.000-07:00

(by the numbers I'll plod along this morning bare with me I beg)

Government assistance and subsidies, a blessing or a curse.(and really I can branch off into so many directions with this topic expect to hear more from me in the future) Really you can call it either way, as someone who has benefited from such programs I really can't completely condemn them but, honestly if we're going to have such programs is there really such a large leap to make in making a national healthcare system?

I know rather socialist sentiments, and I'm not a socialist I'm an individualist.....At the same time I abhor poverty and suffering, so the line where evil begins is very blurry on some issues.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/26/AR2005092601443.html?referrer=email&referrer=email

read the article so you understand the example I'm giving in full detail. (some folks might be able to wing it, if you can great)

A baby is killed in a fire, in a darkened apartment without power. The fire started by a candle left lit in the little one's room.( No matter how you answer the next series of questions, this is a tragedy, and my heart goes out, but God knows the situation and that gives me some comfort, the little one is home with the lord now. God help the grieving make some sense of this, for this world makes less sense to me each day. I know it is not your will that we suffer.)Who is to blame for the fire? The City for not having provisions to aid underprivileged families in an expedient manner with things like disconnected utilities when they have small children? The ruthless capitalist power company (not really it just sounds ominous yes no?) that heartlessly cut them off over the bottom line. (the author does know business is business and is simply in a verbose mood today flame if you wish though) The Candle manufacturer for making a faulty candle? Or the family that chose to use the candle for a child afraid of the dark instead of sitting in the dark to teach the child about it?

That which can hurt us in the dark can still hurt us in the light, ignorance and darkness can both make a man blind, but neither can change the truth's nature. In a tragedy such as this blame is not really important at all. Prevention of other such occurrences is though which leaves some to struggle with causality. While I don't believe in communism or socialism, I do believe in people. What has the world come to when neighbors don't help eachother and we all turn a blind eye to the poor?

Are we all so busy working to avoid that of fate of poverty ourselves or are we just too busy burning up the gasoline we really can't afford driving around while we still can?

Life is a rat race, but the maze is made of cheese, break down the walls and seek truth. God Bless.

One

2005-09-27T05:06:00.000-07:00

(had several points I wanted to touch on and one new one today I'll take a stab at them)

In backlog but still relevant. Disaster preparedness, I think recent events demonstrate our government does not have an adequate handle on this. And with most of us having the crap taxed out of us, often there is little to no savings to make individual contingencies for such situations. What we have here is a double tragedy and a lot of helpless frustrated people. There are a lot of approaches that could be taken to fix such problems, but none are quick fixes and that seems to be what everyone is crying out for. Meanwhile our deficit grows by leaps and bounds and hurricane season is a far cry from over folks.

I'll make this one short and sweet, if you can help someone without cutting off your own hand to do it, do so, don't endanger yourself to do so. Small things can help, donations of cash, clothing, property.....Bigger things can too, providing a place to live, giving someone a job, or perhaps even genuinely caring and listening. There are a lot of hurting people out there who need help. I suspect there people out there just waiting to exploit the situation as well. If you can help help, if you're planning a scam, stop, D.R.O.P. and roll. (Do Right Or Pay) if you're in a bad way, I realize there isn't enough help to go around, but sadly I've already encountered evacuees here with very bad attitudes, I know something terrible has happened but that doesn't give anyone a free pass to wander around expecting charity with a chip on their shoulders. Do onto others as you sould have done to you, please don't come into my restaurant bitching about all your problems and them walk out on an $86.00 bill, it won't help you garner sympathy when you bitch that beers are $2.50 a piece.

With all that said please feel free to drop comments in order to discuss various points made here or put up links to other relevant discussion.

Testing

2005-09-22T06:14:00.000-07:00

Your trials, are not punishments meted out by God,
God does not want you to suffer,
but he cannot spare you the valley of the shadow of death
He can give you everlasting life,
but he cannot keep the shadows from touching you
He can keep the shadows from having power over you
but you must let him
nothing in this life is to punish us
only prepare
everything is a stepping stone
on the path to higher love
but the question is will we stray from the path
whenever despair or descouragement
urges a detour
or will we press on
knowing that we are not punished
merely tested?

Be careful how you live, you may be the only bible some people ever read.....

crossposted from: http://poetryismysport.blogspot.com/

S O S

2005-09-21T06:20:00.000-07:00

a fast sinking ship

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/174/story_17474_1.html worth reading

Not all potential victims of Katrina were created equal. 120,000 folk in New Orleans make less than $8,000.00. The lower 9th ward, where a great deal of damage was done, is 94 percent black and 40 percent poor. 100,000 people in New Orleans owned no transportation, making their escape less likely. Most of them couldn’t afford a plane or bus ticket even if they could have made it to the airport or bus terminal. Neither did many of the poor have relatives or friends who could help them financially. (highlights from above)

Suffering is an unavoidable aspect of our human pilgrimage; the deepest faith cannot prevent our walk through the valley of the shadow of death. (quoatble from the same article, very articulate)

I may expand on this later but I have a lot more reading to do and I want to be in teh right frame of mind to not only elaborate on the plight of poverty stricken Americans, but also the overwhelming growth rate ot these nearly second class citezens, then I also have a bit to say about the not poor enough.....We're letting far too many people slip through the cracks and destroying ourselves as a christian nation in the process. For those of you who read me and are not Christian, I shall explain that ideally a christian should strive to be Christ like and share his values and open mindedness, I seek a nation of tolerance, equality and justice for all, not a nation of bigoted elitist supremacy. I hope my future thoughts elaborate more on just what I believe, I belive people have a degree of accountability and that all obstacles can be over come, yes, but I also believe no one can conquer anything without hope or belief and that's being taken away from people, creating a moral erosion of the spirit.

A bird's eye view

2005-09-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

Mom got up early Sunday morning and got the kids ready for church. Dad sat in the living room, reading his newspaper and looking out at the snow.
They'd had the conversation before, but nothing had changed. "Why don't you go with us this week?" she asked. He didn't look up from his paper.
"You know why," he said out loud and then in his own mind finished the answer with "A truly great God wouldn't care about puny humans anyway."
The man replayed the argument in his mind: "If God is so perfect and great, why would he care about helping us? If God is so powerful, why would he make his son become a human being? Why would he stoop so low to help us.... if God is really so great."
The house was silent except for the sound of the logs crackling in the fireplace. From the other end of the house came a strange thump.
The man put down his paper and walked down the hall. Outside the window huddled a group of birds. In confusion and fear, they had flown into the window pane and fallen to the ground. They huddled together in the snow trying to figure out what to do next. The man felt sorry for the birds. He thought to himself, "The birds could go in our barn and they'd be warm there." So he went outside and opened the door to the barn. Then he waited in the cold. The birds didn't move.
"I know, I'll shoe them over to the barn door," the man thought. But as he tried to herd the birds to the barn they simply scattered. Only after he left them alone did they come back to their spot in the snow.
The man had one last plan. He went back in the house and got a loaf of bread. Carefully, he tore off pieces of bread and made a path to the barn door. But the birds just huddled closer together, ignoring the gift of life which the man was offering.
Stumped, the man stood looking at the birds, wondering just what it would take to get them to safety. He thought to himself, "If only I could become a bird and lead them to safety, then they wouldn't have to die."
He stopped and thought about it again. And he finally understood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you oh Lord for renewing my faith again today, thank you for being with me and using me as your messenger. Amen.

wish me luck

2005-09-20T04:38:00.000-07:00

money troubles are back again, did they ever go away it's hard to believe that from march through june they did then it all went down hill starting with a loan......meh I've got to try to do something and I've not figured out a way to work with my two year old or found affordable daycare......me helping my sister with child care isn't helping either 20 a week does very litle even if I do only watch her some weeks for one day, my five month old neice is still quite a handful. Local daycare would cost alomst 40 bucks a day in a lot of places anywhere it isn't subsidized.....

so back to E-bay, I have little to sell and I'm desperately sick of eating rice and peanut butter bills have all piled up to insurmountable levels....pray is all I ask.....Pray that maybe one of these jobs I've applied at with day care calls or that I get the transcriptioning job or even the customer complaint job.....something, I'm in way over my head and thus why I've ben so blah about everything.....I'm stumped trying to figure out a way out of it so doing something while waiting to hear from these jobs is as much for my own sanity as anything.

Peace

There are no small acts of kindness

2005-09-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

True kindness comes from the heart, I'm not talking about charity we give to keep up with the Jones's or simply to feel better about ourselves. It's great if you've helped with Tsunami relief or Katrina relief, but it's sad if you've never done anything to help anyone within your own community. There are so many little things to be done to better the world.....the shallow material petty little world, it ia a small world, a small selfish and narrow minded world at times, we can all do more to make it small in a loving community way....the internet makes so many things possible.....Today I shared poetry with people from Scotland and Sweden....with out the internet, I doubt I ever would have, and I believe tehy took something away with them after reading my work, as I took things away with me after reading theirs....

So when you sit feling gloomy and broken, I remind you someone out there needs you, yes needs you, it may only be some small thing, but it is something you can give. Do you like to read and have a pleasing voice, perhaps there is an invalid in the hospital or a blindman next door who would love someone to read to them. Do you love to play with people's hair, perhaps your neighbor has no talent for such things and would take much cheer in help and pointers.....you simply never know what smal act of kindness will impact someone hugely...

"There is no charity without sacrifice." Sen. Tom Coburn

Make a note my friends a politician said something intelligent and stirring to the human soul.....

another knot in the noose of freedom

2005-07-11T01:38:00.000-07:00

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/10/AR2005071000923.html?referrer=email&referrer=ema

Sometimes you can't limit the scope of your own vision and simply look at one issue, sometimes you have to look at the issue in relation to the larger picture.....

There are rights in this country that some people feel a citezen should not have, the right to bear arms, freedom of speech, freedom of religion (even if it happens to be something like witchcraft), or pro-choice.....

having these specific rights is not the issue, you need to understand these are made issues in order to divert the attetnion on what is really happening, when the government takes away a controversial right they want to be seen as the good guys, in order to establich a precedent the masses will become comfortable with.....

A precedent for taking away rights and choices of all types not just controvesial ones

just more knots in the noose we'll hang freedom with............

We the people of the United States in order to be less burdened in our busy lives have developed tunnel vision in regards to our own political arena......tsk tsk tsk

explosions

2005-07-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

wait to greet me behind my eyelids

like a premonition

screams that whisper in my mind

dreams elusive can't find mine

instead a symphony of pain

ripping ripples through my brain

some altered alpha wave

carries all the distant events

straight to the center

the hub of my mind

we need to wonder

why I'm restless

when I rouse from a dream

to tune in the news

and there is what I was dreaming

no rest for the wicked .........

todays wisdom (courtesy of yours truly)

2005-06-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

Love me or hate me as you will, just remember each time you judge another, you judge yourself as well..........

Kae Kelly

(RT 28-Jun-2005)

eeek

2005-06-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

http://keepusffair.org/campaign/fcc_fair_share_now/forward/webin774q5jxiwt

nothing is sacred as the bounds of privacy unravel

2005-06-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

go read
think about the loopholes......always the loopholes

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/national/AP-Social-Security-Privacy.html

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/22/AR2005062202305.html?referrer=email&referrer=email

loopholes and excuses, if you ask me, this don't bode well.

a series of stupid choices

2005-06-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

has led to 1500 bucks in past due bills, not even robbing peter to pay paul will save us from this one. Joe made a personal loan to his boss so the man could stay in business and not have to shut his doors and lay Joe off with no pay, it was supposed to be paid off in small ammounts each day form business proffits till Joe had his money back. But this man is an idiot, he has never sat down and figured out his operating overhead, nor made a plan to cover routine maintenance, thus he still can't pay Joe because he can't budget. This leaves us holding the bag, which is empty, while this moron's business continues to founder and Joe keeps getting hours cut. Meanwhile we still don't have the money back from the loan after close to a month, things are looking pretty bad, as the hour cuts are hitting us in the wallet each day, the money that would have been set aside for such things got loaned out (see the dilema) Keep your fingers crossed business starts booming (like now) and that this jerk honors his word. I hzve a bad feeling he's going to play the bankrupt card and screw Joe on the loan and wages. That would be bad, because I can't blog from prison.......nough said?

no new nightmares

2005-06-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

six nights of varying doomsday scenarios must've been enough or something, I'm wondering if my dropping caffiene cold turkey prompted any of them? No clue more later, it's hot and without the caffiene I feel particulary sluggish but the ulcers do not burn till I cry.

terrible dreams

2005-06-12T03:31:00.000-07:00

a repeated one had it about four times tonight asian/arab invasions, planes darken the sky. and then they're everywhere killing us and taking over......shudders......juat al bad, and then it was also a dream within a dream I kept dreaming it in the dream earlier each time and despite my warnings, we always lost....swiftly and meekly I might add.........this last time I woke up we nuked ourselves to stop them...........It felt like my heart stopped......then I was lying in bed with the room spining again, wondering am I really awake, or is all of this really some scary assed premonition..........(sheesh I think I like the nightmares where we get conquered by aliens better) maybe I shouldn't make light of this.....it actually scared me pretty bad.........felt too real.......all I could think was GOD don't let them get my baby...........

been sick

2005-06-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

and drowsey, and then on top of the respiratory crud my ulcers flared up, gross and unpleasant. I had to quit taking in caffienated substances, Dark cola, coffe, tea, and leavea anything in tomatoe sauce alone......it all BURNED.....

Still not over it but I have managed to keep awake for most of the day and my ears are only moderately ringing now.

I don'tfeel up to doing much yet, but I'm near bored to tears....more later

I am

2005-06-03T02:26:00.000-07:00

The person I chose to be, I'm not anything spectacular by far, but I am the sum culmination of all my choices. All the pushing prodding, cramming and battering of others has not in fact molded me, It has affected my judgement and given me excuses to rationalize and blame the life choices I made on others at varying points, but ultimately I made the choices.

I stopped caring about getting certain things out of life to please people when I realized often to achieve them I had to subject myself to misery.....Why should I make myself miserable over something someone else wants that I don't want in common......I can't think of a reason. To strive and struggle for my own goals is one thing, but struggling for those of others just set up my subconcious to undermine such things......

To each his own as they say.....

I am content with who I am at this moment, for those of you who are not...........

Don't blame me it's your choice.........